So I've finally come to terms with the fact that this makeshift team of minor leaguers that the Twins are trotting out on a daily basis is who I'm stuck with for the next month or so. But just because we rolled the dice too many times this off-season, that doesn't mean I'm going to take it lying down.
Now, in my inner circle of lads, many have attributed my whining of this fact to plain ol' excuse making. Well just to confirm the reasoning behind my becoming a complainobot, I am willing to show stat comparisons from last season's starters against this season's replacements. Now this will only show the players currently on the disabled list, keeping in mind that Morneau is still working his way back(1/9/.202) and despite throwing a NO-HITTER! last week, Liriano's ERA dropped only to 6.61. No, that's not before. That's after.
Here's the other "starters" stats:
(first will be last year's starters 2010 stats followed by replacements present stats-HR/RBI/AVG.)
LF- Delmon Young (21/112/.298) Rene Tosoni (0/2/.179)
SS- JJ Hardy (6/38/.268) Alexi Casilla (0/3/.177)
2B- O-Dog 6/37/.268) Nishioka(hurt) Luke Hughes/Matt Tolbert 1/6/.200
C- Mauer 9/75/.327 Drew Butera (0/4/.115)
DH- Thome 25/59/.283 Jason Kubel (3/15/.351), but b/c he's here that leaves RF open meaning in RF it's Jason Repko (0/3/.208) because Cuddy (3/4/.241) is playing every other position that a starter may need rest from.
Now tell me any manager that could win with these scrubs. We have by far the lowest runs scored for in the league, putting even more pressure on our pitching staff. Can May just end? Any non-believer, at this juncture, could easily be found holed up in a room with Darkside of the Moon or an A Perfect Circle album playing on repeat, but I'm a true fan. And like Rondo, I'll bend over backwards finding ways to celebrate the good times while locating the exact reasons behind every falter. There's always a reason. And I'll always find it.
BTW, kudos to ex-Red great Barry Larkin for breaking down that not only has the elimination of steroids attributed to the rise of the pitcher again, but it is also the amount of pitches these young arms have in their arsenals in today's game. He explained that when he was coming up most hitters knew the one or two pitches they'd get from a pitcher and so they adjusted accordingly. He explained how now, with so many young guys learning three or four pitchers earlier in their careers, many batters are simply too overmatched before they step to the plate. I for one appreciate the power of your older brothers sluggers. I welcome a revisit to the days when Ellis Burks could give you 22 Mr. Simpson's and you'd be satisfied. A day when 20 was good, 30 was great, 40 was unparalleled, and only Cecil Fielder could hit 50. Hey, If fashion can revisit the 90's, why can't baseball?
In NBA news,
The only people who had a better week than the President is all the anti-Laker fans out there. Myself, most certainly included, if only for one Andrew Bynum. Oh, whomever is the religion du jour messiah this week, thank you for confirming everything I have ever said about this tall piece of shit. Certainly someone who is a "dominant big man" and the "future of the Lakers" as every announcer labels him, should not have had any problem handling two of the biggest cast-off centers in today's game. Well to put it bluntly, Mr. shifty-knees got smoked. With a Game L at that. And to retaliate for all of this abuse, as well as to confirm the bully-bitch that he is, Bynum decides to take out Chandl....Haywo....Dirk....oh I'm sorry, it was JJ Barea! The pint sized*, back-up PG! Now if I would have just been torched by this little meteorite for 22 and 8, as the Lakers were, I would be upset as well. I'd be hot. I mean he killed them every game! And I would have real, justified anger. Not ridiculous anger, like say the malcontent of a large number of people angered by the killing of a cold-blooded, malicious, egotistical murderer. And all because a religion has told you to be upset by it. Well you know what radicals of Islamabad, I'm a believer in the Book of Basketball, and Bill Simmons ain't never slayed thousands for a "cause". So yes, I am just as elated as the Simmons clan of the Lakers sweep. But I hold a special place in my joyous heart for Mr. Andrew Bynum, who is to the Lakers as that info dropping courier was to bin Laden, the piece that brought the empire down.
Guess it's time to cue up the Lil' Mac training breaks in Mike Tyson's Punch Out cause I think I hear a little Dust in the Wind. Presently I'm throwing up the kind of deuce to the Lakers that that big eyed chick threw up to the white guy in the Chapelle Mad Real World sketch. Things are about to get Maaad Real. Real World. Hoboken. AIGHT!!!
*(In NBA standards. He's taller than me so what does that make me? I ain't pint-sized B! Yeah, and neither is Money Mike or Kevin Hart.)
Monday, May 9, 2011
Friday, March 4, 2011
(Music) Love & Basketball
With sports I like to celebrate those little surprises that sometimes get thrown my way. Don't we all love when teams or worrisome outcomes unexpectedly turn out to be awesome! To explain in particular what I mean by this, I want to start by introducing you to four albums I recently listened to.
Mumford & Sons- Sigh No More
Radiohead- King Of Limbs
Talib Kweli- Gutter Rainbows
Phoenix- Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix (And they're French!)
Each was equally amazing in its own right. Rhythmically and musically mesmerizing in the way each played their harmonies off of the instruments; they reminded me of four religions all battling for supremacy. Or say, like how the top four teams in East are all presently battling it out for the top spot. Each is a different breed of basketball, yet each could very well raise the Larry O'Brien trophy this summer. One of these teams will represent the East in the Finals, just like one of these albums will hold the title of My-favorite-album-to-play-right-now-on-my-IPod-while-riding-the-train-to-work. Both are TBD.
Now I don't claim to be a musical expert by any stretch of the imagination so don't go looking for a breakdown of production mechanics and musical inspirations. For the record, my musical talents don't go north of a situation involving the fourth grade, a terrible rendition of Hot Crossed Buns on a recorder, and an embarrassing amount of young Dunn's tears. (Aren't elementary aged children the best!) Moving on, what this boils down to is I play instruments terribly, but I love music and can understand the grasp it has on many of us. Kind of like sports you could say. More importantly, like the Eastern Conference in the NBA has over the current sports-stratosphere.
Let's compare shall we:
Boston Celtics- Mumford & Sons (Sigh No More)
This was probably the easiest of the parallels. Just as banjo's bounce off guitars with perfection on this album, I could only equate this to the serene chemistry that this team envelopes. Just like Mumford manages to hit highs and lows at just the right time, The C's can lull you to sleep with their fundamental basketball, or allow Rondo to go ape shit and pick apart your defense with a fierce uptempo style. Either way, they both score, and with relative ease. After seeing Mumford give the best performance I've seen on the Grammy's in a looong time, I knew I had to hear more. Was this mixture of Bluegrass with Folk gonna work for an entire album? No way old school musicality and pristine lyricism could win over a mind that has been corrupted with high hats and beat machines for the better years of its life. Just like there was no way this old team of fundamentalists could take down the new age teams that ran up and down the floor like some kind of new NBA spread offense. Unfortunately, if you agreed with me in both instances you'd be terribly wrong. The title track(Pierce) displays exactly the type of simple destruction that defines this team. What starts off as a simple track, suddenly explodes into a instrumental orgy and before you know it Pierce has netted 30 and you are left wondering how something you were about to bypass, left you panting in anticipation for more. Or, you could deal with that sweet breeze of Winter Wind(Jesus Shuttlesworth) that is such perfection that you HAVE to repeat it because what you just witnessed is exactly how it is supposed to be done. Furthermore, just when you thought the team was soft and homely, they bring out their Little Lion Man(KG), who yells, complains, and curses his way into your heart. You may not want to bring this emotion out all the time, but in the right circumstance, it can be the difference between a cohesive unit, and backyard shenanigans. And just to band it all together, they bring out the glue to it all. There was a reason The Cave(Rondo) was chosen to introduce this band to the world. Every great team has to have their nucleus. And hearing this song was what made it all work.
Chicago Bulls- Radiohead (King Of Limbs)
Ever since MJ retired, the Bulls have been looking for a new champion. Someone who night in and night out delivers. To parallel, I have been looking for a band who can consistently deliver gems, the way The 'Stones once did. Album after album of solid gold. (And you damn skippy I just compared MJ to the Rollingstones!) Whether injured, or on hiatus, or working on solo material, both found ways to bring it. Always. Before the season started I had my doubts about the Baby Bulls, just as I had doubts about a new, rushed, Radiohead album. Sure they both had two proven bangers (Rose/Boozer-OK Computer/In Rainbows), but that didn't mean they could be be successful in this new age of overblown commercialism. They weren't media whores(aside form both having subdued commercial television spots) and neither seemed to be hungry for the ego driven tile of "The Best". They both just always seemed to deliver the goods upon their releases. And presently, this is exactly what we are getting. The Bulls, compliments of another Heat meltdown, have stormed to second place in the East and are looking dangerous. Radiohead? Oh they just produced arguably the album of the year, complete with surefire hits. Lotus Flower(Rose) has his Morning Mr. Magpie(Boozer) and Separator(Deng) along with great supplementary tracks to help them all gel. Come June, the league better watch out for these guys, just like next February, I have a feeling the boys from England might just see another Grammy nod. One side note: If Derrick Rose dances anything like Thom Yorke, he needs to have his ghetto pass from Chicago immediately revoked.
Orlando Magic- Talib Kweli (Gutter Rainbows)
The Magic are a tough nut to crack. They should be better, but they aren't. D Howard should be a bigger star, but he isn't. This is a team that usually goes all or nothing in its approach, which at times can be quite poetic. Though if overrun, this style can seem forced, as if they have seemingly strayed too far from their comfort zone. This folks is why I compare them to Kweli. Never has there been an artist(thanks to the premature demise of Big L) who bordered on genius, yet couldn't get over the commercial hump. Talib Greene at his peak is arguably the best at his sport, just like if the Magic are rolling, just give up. But when Kweli goes too club or too thug, everything seems a little off. Gutter Rainbows was a perfect example of this. Some tracks went right for the jugular. Others tried too hard to stray from the team concept, and got lost in transition, if you will. But those that got it right, made it an absolute joy to take in. Ain't Waiting(J Rich) is the perfect place to start. This team likes to get up and down the court and no song on this album better defines the attitude of going and getting what's yours. And if there were ever a player on this team who can't wait to shoot, Rich is your man. Oh No(Jameer) gets a shout simply because he has always been a beast, like Jean Grae, yet no one wants to give him his respect. This song, just like a hot streak from Nelson, eliminates any negative perceptions. The bench(Friends and Family) is always there to provide amazing support. Palookas(Howard) is the obvious banger on the album. The beginning is smooth and the tempo is something you can ride to. It's almost throwback in its delivery, just as Howard's new Dream enhanced game is very early 90's in its head fake, spin move, throw down or baby hook presentation. He'll not only assassinate your character, but a Fifty Cal versus a squirt gun is a suitable line when comparing him to most defenders. That example of thunderous throw downs can only be heard through Sean Price's third verse introduction. And like Price states early in his rap, Howard is indeed mad nice. Why? Cause apparently you and your man some Palookas.
Miami Heat- Phoenix (Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix)
What made me pay attention to this album basically had everything to do with MLB 2K10playing Lisztomania so much that I slowly went from humming the instrumental to downloading the entire album. This song was in a word: fun. Nothing more, nothing less. If I tried to listen to them while writing I'd probably get three letters down before I started to dance my ass off. The hooks are so damn catchy and the melodies so appealing that I can't help but to listen when they're on. This inability to look away ladies and gents is why they are this seasons Miami Heat. After having one certified party starter (Wade-Lisztomania), and adding your commercialized import LBJ-1901(thanks to the 19 car commercials that sampled it), and just for good measure an added slow moving, sweet shooting star (Bosh-Fences), you just knew everything was gonna go swimmingly. Errrr, get your life preservers because that's where we were wrong. Suddenly it seems as if someone has punched air holes in our three-pronged life raft! The rest of the album, as the rest of the Heat, is leaving alot to be desired. The bench has yet to provide the main cogs any offensive support, just as the rest of the album does a lame job of backing up the obvious standouts. Girlfriend has to be compared to Mike Miller for the obvious girl comparison, but also because it can be a good song, and just might be the fourth option this album needs. But I can't quite see myself putting it on repeat. Yet. Just like I can't see Mike Miller hitting three's consistently. Yet. And because I do tend to like a song more the more I replay it, I think Miller will get adjusted to the offense and come around. The album, like the Heat, seems like it's missing something. Not sure what that is, but until the.....
(Damn Lisztomania)
So who wins? Not sure. I guess we'll all know come June. And remember, the Lasers, oops I mean Lakers, could always come out of nowhere and win out. Hmmm, Lupe as Kobe? Interesting.
Til next time.
Mumford & Sons- Sigh No More
Radiohead- King Of Limbs
Talib Kweli- Gutter Rainbows
Phoenix- Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix (And they're French!)
Each was equally amazing in its own right. Rhythmically and musically mesmerizing in the way each played their harmonies off of the instruments; they reminded me of four religions all battling for supremacy. Or say, like how the top four teams in East are all presently battling it out for the top spot. Each is a different breed of basketball, yet each could very well raise the Larry O'Brien trophy this summer. One of these teams will represent the East in the Finals, just like one of these albums will hold the title of My-favorite-album-to-play-right-now-on-my-IPod-while-riding-the-train-to-work. Both are TBD.
Now I don't claim to be a musical expert by any stretch of the imagination so don't go looking for a breakdown of production mechanics and musical inspirations. For the record, my musical talents don't go north of a situation involving the fourth grade, a terrible rendition of Hot Crossed Buns on a recorder, and an embarrassing amount of young Dunn's tears. (Aren't elementary aged children the best!) Moving on, what this boils down to is I play instruments terribly, but I love music and can understand the grasp it has on many of us. Kind of like sports you could say. More importantly, like the Eastern Conference in the NBA has over the current sports-stratosphere.
Let's compare shall we:
Boston Celtics- Mumford & Sons (Sigh No More)
This was probably the easiest of the parallels. Just as banjo's bounce off guitars with perfection on this album, I could only equate this to the serene chemistry that this team envelopes. Just like Mumford manages to hit highs and lows at just the right time, The C's can lull you to sleep with their fundamental basketball, or allow Rondo to go ape shit and pick apart your defense with a fierce uptempo style. Either way, they both score, and with relative ease. After seeing Mumford give the best performance I've seen on the Grammy's in a looong time, I knew I had to hear more. Was this mixture of Bluegrass with Folk gonna work for an entire album? No way old school musicality and pristine lyricism could win over a mind that has been corrupted with high hats and beat machines for the better years of its life. Just like there was no way this old team of fundamentalists could take down the new age teams that ran up and down the floor like some kind of new NBA spread offense. Unfortunately, if you agreed with me in both instances you'd be terribly wrong. The title track(Pierce) displays exactly the type of simple destruction that defines this team. What starts off as a simple track, suddenly explodes into a instrumental orgy and before you know it Pierce has netted 30 and you are left wondering how something you were about to bypass, left you panting in anticipation for more. Or, you could deal with that sweet breeze of Winter Wind(Jesus Shuttlesworth) that is such perfection that you HAVE to repeat it because what you just witnessed is exactly how it is supposed to be done. Furthermore, just when you thought the team was soft and homely, they bring out their Little Lion Man(KG), who yells, complains, and curses his way into your heart. You may not want to bring this emotion out all the time, but in the right circumstance, it can be the difference between a cohesive unit, and backyard shenanigans. And just to band it all together, they bring out the glue to it all. There was a reason The Cave(Rondo) was chosen to introduce this band to the world. Every great team has to have their nucleus. And hearing this song was what made it all work.
Chicago Bulls- Radiohead (King Of Limbs)
Ever since MJ retired, the Bulls have been looking for a new champion. Someone who night in and night out delivers. To parallel, I have been looking for a band who can consistently deliver gems, the way The 'Stones once did. Album after album of solid gold. (And you damn skippy I just compared MJ to the Rollingstones!) Whether injured, or on hiatus, or working on solo material, both found ways to bring it. Always. Before the season started I had my doubts about the Baby Bulls, just as I had doubts about a new, rushed, Radiohead album. Sure they both had two proven bangers (Rose/Boozer-OK Computer/In Rainbows), but that didn't mean they could be be successful in this new age of overblown commercialism. They weren't media whores(aside form both having subdued commercial television spots) and neither seemed to be hungry for the ego driven tile of "The Best". They both just always seemed to deliver the goods upon their releases. And presently, this is exactly what we are getting. The Bulls, compliments of another Heat meltdown, have stormed to second place in the East and are looking dangerous. Radiohead? Oh they just produced arguably the album of the year, complete with surefire hits. Lotus Flower(Rose) has his Morning Mr. Magpie(Boozer) and Separator(Deng) along with great supplementary tracks to help them all gel. Come June, the league better watch out for these guys, just like next February, I have a feeling the boys from England might just see another Grammy nod. One side note: If Derrick Rose dances anything like Thom Yorke, he needs to have his ghetto pass from Chicago immediately revoked.
Orlando Magic- Talib Kweli (Gutter Rainbows)
The Magic are a tough nut to crack. They should be better, but they aren't. D Howard should be a bigger star, but he isn't. This is a team that usually goes all or nothing in its approach, which at times can be quite poetic. Though if overrun, this style can seem forced, as if they have seemingly strayed too far from their comfort zone. This folks is why I compare them to Kweli. Never has there been an artist(thanks to the premature demise of Big L) who bordered on genius, yet couldn't get over the commercial hump. Talib Greene at his peak is arguably the best at his sport, just like if the Magic are rolling, just give up. But when Kweli goes too club or too thug, everything seems a little off. Gutter Rainbows was a perfect example of this. Some tracks went right for the jugular. Others tried too hard to stray from the team concept, and got lost in transition, if you will. But those that got it right, made it an absolute joy to take in. Ain't Waiting(J Rich) is the perfect place to start. This team likes to get up and down the court and no song on this album better defines the attitude of going and getting what's yours. And if there were ever a player on this team who can't wait to shoot, Rich is your man. Oh No(Jameer) gets a shout simply because he has always been a beast, like Jean Grae, yet no one wants to give him his respect. This song, just like a hot streak from Nelson, eliminates any negative perceptions. The bench(Friends and Family) is always there to provide amazing support. Palookas(Howard) is the obvious banger on the album. The beginning is smooth and the tempo is something you can ride to. It's almost throwback in its delivery, just as Howard's new Dream enhanced game is very early 90's in its head fake, spin move, throw down or baby hook presentation. He'll not only assassinate your character, but a Fifty Cal versus a squirt gun is a suitable line when comparing him to most defenders. That example of thunderous throw downs can only be heard through Sean Price's third verse introduction. And like Price states early in his rap, Howard is indeed mad nice. Why? Cause apparently you and your man some Palookas.
Miami Heat- Phoenix (Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix)
What made me pay attention to this album basically had everything to do with MLB 2K10playing Lisztomania so much that I slowly went from humming the instrumental to downloading the entire album. This song was in a word: fun. Nothing more, nothing less. If I tried to listen to them while writing I'd probably get three letters down before I started to dance my ass off. The hooks are so damn catchy and the melodies so appealing that I can't help but to listen when they're on. This inability to look away ladies and gents is why they are this seasons Miami Heat. After having one certified party starter (Wade-Lisztomania), and adding your commercialized import LBJ-1901(thanks to the 19 car commercials that sampled it), and just for good measure an added slow moving, sweet shooting star (Bosh-Fences), you just knew everything was gonna go swimmingly. Errrr, get your life preservers because that's where we were wrong. Suddenly it seems as if someone has punched air holes in our three-pronged life raft! The rest of the album, as the rest of the Heat, is leaving alot to be desired. The bench has yet to provide the main cogs any offensive support, just as the rest of the album does a lame job of backing up the obvious standouts. Girlfriend has to be compared to Mike Miller for the obvious girl comparison, but also because it can be a good song, and just might be the fourth option this album needs. But I can't quite see myself putting it on repeat. Yet. Just like I can't see Mike Miller hitting three's consistently. Yet. And because I do tend to like a song more the more I replay it, I think Miller will get adjusted to the offense and come around. The album, like the Heat, seems like it's missing something. Not sure what that is, but until the.....
(Damn Lisztomania)
So who wins? Not sure. I guess we'll all know come June. And remember, the Lasers, oops I mean Lakers, could always come out of nowhere and win out. Hmmm, Lupe as Kobe? Interesting.
Til next time.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Melo-go-maniac?
I am going to preface this entry by stating that I am really going to try and be as neutral as possible about this trade. Being a (reborn again) die-hard Pacers fan, my hatred for the Knicks is unparalleled. But I will look at this solely from a NBA fans perspective. It's not like my negativity would at all contribute to the Knicks still being complete garbage with no chance of restoring its glory days. Right?
LaLa, (throat clearing), I mean Melo just couldn't deny himself the bright lights and riches that the Apple had to offer. Hey I understand. I moved here on a whim almost six years ago and still am encapsulated by it. I'm just not sure it was his best move. Am I upset that the Knicks got Melo. No. No, I am not. Well, apart from the fact that they made the necessary upgrade(s) to maybe bestie my boys for the last playoff spot. And Knickerbocker elitists please don't even begin to talk some "8th seed! We're winning the Championship!" nonsense. Be serious. Even the magical wunderkinds down on South Beach couldn't gel right away. And they actually wanted to play together. Which leads me to my next point.
Raise your hand if you see Melo and Ama're eventually playing cohesive ball togther? I can't see your hand because I am in article mode, but if your computer screen had my eyes I'd see you with your arm slightly lifted. I on the other hand, believe that they will try and, at times, seem as one unit. But when it comes down to the end of the game and you need someone on your team to get a huge defensive stop, who is going to make the play? Melo? He needs weakside help constantly and who's he gonna get that from? The one big man notorious for calmly moving out of the way on defense? Try again. Landry? Whatever with this guy. Go get CMB back together or something. With that ridiculous push back. Turiaf? . (notice the solo period? That's there because he sucks so badly that I couldn't even come up with a harsh enough comment.) Who else? Chauncey? This ain't your big brothers Pistons. Chandler? Mozgov? Gallo? Felton? All gone. We'll see how long this marriage lasts when they can't when the big games (i.e. vs. Heat, Celts, Lake Show, Magic, Spurs) because they can't stop anyone. They are like a larger Suns squad. And we know how well they did come playoff time. Even if they get Paul or Dayron, they still have to play defense. And as long as they have no enforcer and a coach who wouldn't know defense if it had fake tits and a reality show, I just can't see it happening.
Half of me belives that this was the best scenario for Carmelo Anthony.
Half of me believes that he just put himself in a much worse situation than he had in Denver.
The half that wins out in the end is TBD. But I do appreciate these teams going all video game with the trades. I always get excited to see players in completely different threads. Welcome home Melo'. No eff that. Welcome home Renaldo Balkman! A true Knick, considering Isiah is still pulling all the strings.
LaLa, (throat clearing), I mean Melo just couldn't deny himself the bright lights and riches that the Apple had to offer. Hey I understand. I moved here on a whim almost six years ago and still am encapsulated by it. I'm just not sure it was his best move. Am I upset that the Knicks got Melo. No. No, I am not. Well, apart from the fact that they made the necessary upgrade(s) to maybe bestie my boys for the last playoff spot. And Knickerbocker elitists please don't even begin to talk some "8th seed! We're winning the Championship!" nonsense. Be serious. Even the magical wunderkinds down on South Beach couldn't gel right away. And they actually wanted to play together. Which leads me to my next point.
Raise your hand if you see Melo and Ama're eventually playing cohesive ball togther? I can't see your hand because I am in article mode, but if your computer screen had my eyes I'd see you with your arm slightly lifted. I on the other hand, believe that they will try and, at times, seem as one unit. But when it comes down to the end of the game and you need someone on your team to get a huge defensive stop, who is going to make the play? Melo? He needs weakside help constantly and who's he gonna get that from? The one big man notorious for calmly moving out of the way on defense? Try again. Landry? Whatever with this guy. Go get CMB back together or something. With that ridiculous push back. Turiaf? . (notice the solo period? That's there because he sucks so badly that I couldn't even come up with a harsh enough comment.) Who else? Chauncey? This ain't your big brothers Pistons. Chandler? Mozgov? Gallo? Felton? All gone. We'll see how long this marriage lasts when they can't when the big games (i.e. vs. Heat, Celts, Lake Show, Magic, Spurs) because they can't stop anyone. They are like a larger Suns squad. And we know how well they did come playoff time. Even if they get Paul or Dayron, they still have to play defense. And as long as they have no enforcer and a coach who wouldn't know defense if it had fake tits and a reality show, I just can't see it happening.
Half of me belives that this was the best scenario for Carmelo Anthony.
Half of me believes that he just put himself in a much worse situation than he had in Denver.
The half that wins out in the end is TBD. But I do appreciate these teams going all video game with the trades. I always get excited to see players in completely different threads. Welcome home Melo'. No eff that. Welcome home Renaldo Balkman! A true Knick, considering Isiah is still pulling all the strings.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Weak play effs up movements like Cerebral Palsy
When I am thinking of reasons to engage in another ferocious back and forth with myself, I always needs that little umph. You know, that "Aww hell naw! I can'ts buleeve he said DAT shit." So when this does occur, naturally I have to speak on it. Such an event happened after watching SportsCenter a few night's ago. A reporter was interviewing KD after the Heat once again proved that no matter how much people want to believe the Thunder are turning a corner, until the true Championship teams (C's, Heat, Lake Show, Magic) lose even a single veteran, the Thunder will never be a title contender. Anyways, the reporter asked about his shouting match with Chris Bosh that drew T's for both parties. After an explanation I could not care less about, Durant then proceeded to call Bosh a "fake tough guy". LOL Nice! The shear thought of playground talk trying to be broken down for the masses to understand was completely absurd, yet hilarious. How do I know when sports news topics are slow? When calling someone a homothug gets more press than Tiger's umptenth straight meltdown. And watch that finger pointing, cause I'm no bigot. Omar Little taught me that you can be as gay as the spring breeze, but still be one of the hardest men alive.
Speaking of Woods, to his new game I say: New swing coach, same limp approach. Haha, Shazaam! (Sorry for that Shaq reference)
Back to roundball, since no one else wants to admit it, I will be the first. Can we just contract the fucking Raptors out of Canada so some free agent will actually want to go there and they can stop sucking more penis than Montana Fishburne and Kim Kardashian combined? I mean they are always garbage. They were an 8th seed for like five years, solely because of the aforementioned Captain Softee. It's not the same story for say, the Clippers, because although they too always suck (pre-Blake anyways), they're in L.A.! The Raptors are in Toronto. That's in Canada! Who cares about Canadians? Oil companies, that's who. Since we decided to not prevent another oil break from happening, and with our supply being basically dunzo. Combined with the hatred the Middle East oil conglomirates have for us, I am guessing our next oil outlet will most likely be...wait for it...CANADA! With all her flappy head and maple leaf goodness. So is that the reason we still have to pretend that a team with red and purple colors and a prehistoric mascot was ever going to be popular? Considering by the time our oil supply runs dry the whole country will be driving electric cars anyways, I say take Canny out back and give her the ol' Mike Vick treatment. Don't worry Canucks, just have a comeback that restores Americas faith in you and no one will remember this abomination. Just give it about a decade before you go saying you might want to own another "team" at some point. Get a cat Mike, get a cat.
On a side note, ef a LBJ apology, I hope the Cavs are enjoying their new relationship with karma. This team is like that ex who swears she is better off without you, after she made the majority of the relationship mistakes, even bad mouthing you with nonsense like "that's why you have a small penis" or "you're probably gay anyways". Only to end up with a random new boyfriend who hits her or treats her like complete shit, and although she rues the day she ever broke it off with you, pride will not allow her to admit that this new guy sucks and you were her saving grace. Just like this harlot, you screwed your chance with LeBron Cavs, deal with it, move on, and enjoy your new life which will never be as good as it once was. Sucks to be you right now, huh?
So Diana Turasi is doing her best Raffy impression by concluding the Turkish tests "mistakes" and she really wasn't using PED's. Yep, because this argument has EVER worked. Come back home, play some 2K11, and wait until your next season that no one watches to commence. BTW, if arguably the biggest star of your league has to play overseas just to recoup pay because her original league cannot afford to pay her enough, that is most certainly an alarming sign. How long are we giving the WNBA? 5 years? 10, max.
My last basketball news of note comes from yesterday's announcement that the Lakers need to make changes in order to revive their play. Changes you say?(develish grin ensues) First, let's start by granting your scapegoat (Artest) his wish and send him to another team. Then when Odom sucks for ten consecutive games, he'll finally only have himself, and Ms. Piggy, to blame. But the Lakers played like CBS and got "Sheened" by giving a complete maniac a ridiculous contract, so now, no matter how much they'd like to separate themselves from this person, money in the end, rules over everything else. And just like no other network would ever touch Mr. "I only smoke cocaine, I never snort" again, the Lakers know that no team will even think about adding this leech to their rotations. Not after his past indiscretions, and most certainly not now, seeing that Artest is so slow he's having trouble guarding even himself nowadys. But alas. I have your answer Lakers. And it will solve all of your problems. Hear me out. I think it's time to reveal the most obvious of truths. Do I really have to say it. Ok, here goes. PLEASE TRADE HIM BECAUSE ANDREW BYNUM IS THE SADDEST SACK OF SHIT THIS SIDE OF A DOWNTRODDEN BAG FILLED WITH FECES!!!!!!!!! Seriously, why aren't these guys trading him before the rest of the league figures this out?! Why does he keep getting a mulligan? Because he hasn't been healthy? So? Neither has Greg Odom and he can't catch a break. Bynum gets abused by ever serious Center he faces. Check the C's game. Abused by everyone from KG, Glen Davis, and even that white lanky backup. I swear I saw the Chief come out just to get a tip-in over this sorry excuse for a big man. If you're a soft big man, admit it. But don't constantly get abused and then have a 20-10 game against Erick Dampier and think you are the bees knees. I don't think even Jordan would have played with this guy on one of those mid-90's Bulls teams. Do the Lakers really need him? Does he truly even make a difference in games? The answer to it all is an emphatic HELL! NO! Trade him now, get something in exchange, and try and win some Championships while you still have 80% of Kobe. Or else. Oh yeah, Bynum has no value right now. Why? Because once again, he's hurt. God he sucks.
I'll end this post with one more brief. Carson Palmer's bum ass just demanded a trade. So let me get this straight. You have managed to be the Chris Webber of the NFL whereas you've been a good player through the year's, but by no means have you excelled to the level most thought you would. And you have the audacity to demand a trade! On what grounds? You're no cakewalk yourself buddy. Those who show excellence make those around them better, or demand that help be brought in, and then excel with their new, more talented unit like Mamba. They don't completely lose control of their team, never be the leader the team needs them to be, and constantly deflect blame for their team's woes. Not very Brady-esqe is it? You give Sam Bradford or Sanchez Ocho and T.O. and they are most certainly making the playoffs. All Carson could do was watch his team constantly get outperformed. Instead of rallying his weaker defensive unit around the stellar play of his offensive one, he played terrible when running the team, causing the D to lose interest throughout the season. Why stop the other team if yours can't score? A season that began with amazing promise ended like Inception. Ridiculously confusing. And how did the Bengals handle this PR nightmare with their underachieving, never gonna take you to the promise land, ungritty QB. Yep, they fire the offensive coordinator that was there before this QB even got there and extend the coach that noone thinks should still be there. That's the ticket. Hey, Bengals, I'll see you in next year's draft. Comfortably in the top 5.
Temprano!
Speaking of Woods, to his new game I say: New swing coach, same limp approach. Haha, Shazaam! (Sorry for that Shaq reference)
Back to roundball, since no one else wants to admit it, I will be the first. Can we just contract the fucking Raptors out of Canada so some free agent will actually want to go there and they can stop sucking more penis than Montana Fishburne and Kim Kardashian combined? I mean they are always garbage. They were an 8th seed for like five years, solely because of the aforementioned Captain Softee. It's not the same story for say, the Clippers, because although they too always suck (pre-Blake anyways), they're in L.A.! The Raptors are in Toronto. That's in Canada! Who cares about Canadians? Oil companies, that's who. Since we decided to not prevent another oil break from happening, and with our supply being basically dunzo. Combined with the hatred the Middle East oil conglomirates have for us, I am guessing our next oil outlet will most likely be...wait for it...CANADA! With all her flappy head and maple leaf goodness. So is that the reason we still have to pretend that a team with red and purple colors and a prehistoric mascot was ever going to be popular? Considering by the time our oil supply runs dry the whole country will be driving electric cars anyways, I say take Canny out back and give her the ol' Mike Vick treatment. Don't worry Canucks, just have a comeback that restores Americas faith in you and no one will remember this abomination. Just give it about a decade before you go saying you might want to own another "team" at some point. Get a cat Mike, get a cat.
On a side note, ef a LBJ apology, I hope the Cavs are enjoying their new relationship with karma. This team is like that ex who swears she is better off without you, after she made the majority of the relationship mistakes, even bad mouthing you with nonsense like "that's why you have a small penis" or "you're probably gay anyways". Only to end up with a random new boyfriend who hits her or treats her like complete shit, and although she rues the day she ever broke it off with you, pride will not allow her to admit that this new guy sucks and you were her saving grace. Just like this harlot, you screwed your chance with LeBron Cavs, deal with it, move on, and enjoy your new life which will never be as good as it once was. Sucks to be you right now, huh?
So Diana Turasi is doing her best Raffy impression by concluding the Turkish tests "mistakes" and she really wasn't using PED's. Yep, because this argument has EVER worked. Come back home, play some 2K11, and wait until your next season that no one watches to commence. BTW, if arguably the biggest star of your league has to play overseas just to recoup pay because her original league cannot afford to pay her enough, that is most certainly an alarming sign. How long are we giving the WNBA? 5 years? 10, max.
My last basketball news of note comes from yesterday's announcement that the Lakers need to make changes in order to revive their play. Changes you say?(develish grin ensues) First, let's start by granting your scapegoat (Artest) his wish and send him to another team. Then when Odom sucks for ten consecutive games, he'll finally only have himself, and Ms. Piggy, to blame. But the Lakers played like CBS and got "Sheened" by giving a complete maniac a ridiculous contract, so now, no matter how much they'd like to separate themselves from this person, money in the end, rules over everything else. And just like no other network would ever touch Mr. "I only smoke cocaine, I never snort" again, the Lakers know that no team will even think about adding this leech to their rotations. Not after his past indiscretions, and most certainly not now, seeing that Artest is so slow he's having trouble guarding even himself nowadys. But alas. I have your answer Lakers. And it will solve all of your problems. Hear me out. I think it's time to reveal the most obvious of truths. Do I really have to say it. Ok, here goes. PLEASE TRADE HIM BECAUSE ANDREW BYNUM IS THE SADDEST SACK OF SHIT THIS SIDE OF A DOWNTRODDEN BAG FILLED WITH FECES!!!!!!!!! Seriously, why aren't these guys trading him before the rest of the league figures this out?! Why does he keep getting a mulligan? Because he hasn't been healthy? So? Neither has Greg Odom and he can't catch a break. Bynum gets abused by ever serious Center he faces. Check the C's game. Abused by everyone from KG, Glen Davis, and even that white lanky backup. I swear I saw the Chief come out just to get a tip-in over this sorry excuse for a big man. If you're a soft big man, admit it. But don't constantly get abused and then have a 20-10 game against Erick Dampier and think you are the bees knees. I don't think even Jordan would have played with this guy on one of those mid-90's Bulls teams. Do the Lakers really need him? Does he truly even make a difference in games? The answer to it all is an emphatic HELL! NO! Trade him now, get something in exchange, and try and win some Championships while you still have 80% of Kobe. Or else. Oh yeah, Bynum has no value right now. Why? Because once again, he's hurt. God he sucks.
I'll end this post with one more brief. Carson Palmer's bum ass just demanded a trade. So let me get this straight. You have managed to be the Chris Webber of the NFL whereas you've been a good player through the year's, but by no means have you excelled to the level most thought you would. And you have the audacity to demand a trade! On what grounds? You're no cakewalk yourself buddy. Those who show excellence make those around them better, or demand that help be brought in, and then excel with their new, more talented unit like Mamba. They don't completely lose control of their team, never be the leader the team needs them to be, and constantly deflect blame for their team's woes. Not very Brady-esqe is it? You give Sam Bradford or Sanchez Ocho and T.O. and they are most certainly making the playoffs. All Carson could do was watch his team constantly get outperformed. Instead of rallying his weaker defensive unit around the stellar play of his offensive one, he played terrible when running the team, causing the D to lose interest throughout the season. Why stop the other team if yours can't score? A season that began with amazing promise ended like Inception. Ridiculously confusing. And how did the Bengals handle this PR nightmare with their underachieving, never gonna take you to the promise land, ungritty QB. Yep, they fire the offensive coordinator that was there before this QB even got there and extend the coach that noone thinks should still be there. That's the ticket. Hey, Bengals, I'll see you in next year's draft. Comfortably in the top 5.
Temprano!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
I'll take your Woodhead and raise you a Prince Albert.
How bad is the stank that surrounds Brett Favre right now? It's so rank that even his terribly unattractive sister had the wicked hand of bad luck touch down on her. No, not for being handed the Khloe Kardashian looks card when compared to her sibling. And I'm not gay I'm just saying, no for real, both women are beat. Have you seen Big KK's red mop? LOL Apparently even YOU can look just like her. (I guarantee you I will have nightmares tonight of being chased by an army of masked Khloe Kardashian's! As long as I keep running right?) Have fun with THAT Lamar. Sorry I digress. Sister Favre managed to one up her penis flashing bro, by getting busted, along with a gang of cohorts, for their involvement in a Mississippi Meth ring! No, not a Hattiesburg 4 Method Man impersonator circle, but rather a close to 10 gram methamphetamine lab bust. And her bond was only set at $40 Grand! Don't they know that's what Brett took home just for showing up at the stadium?! And Mike thought Latoya was off the chain.
And with that opening, I must say it's good to be back. I haven't had the ability to unload my rants on the sports world lately due to my inability to not multi-task constantly. Planning my wedding, 2 new scripts being written, and The Wire DVD's have complicated my time management issues. But fret not, SportsAreDunn has been retooled and will now be broadcasted weekly. Which day? Who knows. How many times? (Shoulder shrug) I'm not paid for this.
And away we go!
Before I get into particulars I want to first start off with my winners and losers of this past NFL regular season.
Winners: The Pats (sans Moss), The Pats (with Woodhead), Falcons (sans Vick scandal), Vick (sans Vick scandal), and Haynesworth (well in '11, sans DeadSkins)
Losers: Cowboys(as if this isn't a given), Bengals(Nice one T-Ocho), Coaches(When you can have a slight hiccup(Childress) and get fired, or have years of hiccups (Lewis) and get extended, who knows what you need to do for job security), Titans (for thinking Vince Young's crazy ass was EVER the answer), and lastly, Fans(for another ho hum regular season with an inevitable Patriots SB win on the horizon.)
Two things I have to say before I get into another rant. First, can someone please notice how Kevin Love is morphing into the new Barkley. He's Rodman with the ability to score! He's a more athletic McHale! He's quite frankly, a beast! Secondly, D Rose puts the Damn in "Damn, he's sweet as hell"! The correct way to say that is with a stank look on your face as it comes out. Like he's so nasty, there is actual feces coming out of your screen.
On that note, someone please tell the rest of the NBA that the Heat are winning the Championship. Who's gonna stop em? The Celtics? They can't stay healthy. The Magic? Yeah right. I don't care how much Dream worked with ol' Shoulders D Howard. He ain't (H)Akeem.
Oh, I know who. The Lakers, right? Sorry to burst your crapped filled bubble, but the writing is on the wall with these guys. They lack depth, and Kobe is slowly teetering in that inevitable "I can still carry my team, but not really cause I ain't as young as I use to be" zone that Jeter fell into last year with the Yankees. How can they truly win if it takes Captain Ego 25 shots to get 25 points? And if you read any of my NBA posts last year, you'd know not to bring that weak Gasol or Bynum shit to me. It'll get sent away like a homeless guy, with new found fame, and said fame inevitibly causes him to resort back to the very vices that culminated in his original homeless state. Well, I guess I wouldn't send you to rehab, but I'd give your statement a stern talking to.
In a quick MLB blip, I ask, how in the hell does Bagwell not make it into the Hall?! To use a quote from a great baseball man I know named Michael Soteropoulos aka Marbles, Bagwell "may be the best all around first baseman from 1990-2005." He hit for average and power, had solid glove work, played his whole career for the same squad (which is an underrated stat BTW), and he could run! His being left off the ballot makes me question if any first basemen from my childhood will get in. Big Mac, Raffy, Bagwell, Crime Dog, Mark Grace, Olerud, and Big Cat are all no-go's apparently. So that leaves who? Big Hurt. Is he the only one who stands a chance from the "Steroids Era"? Terrible. I mean I'd even consider Hurt a DH more than a 1B. Welp, it was fun to watch, I'll tell you that.
I want to end this comeback edition by bringing to light a new low for collegiate sports. So let me get this straight, Pryor and the other four Buckeyes, per Coach Tressel, had to commit to returning to school next year and serve out their suspensions in full , if they wanted to play in the Sugar Bowl. A bowl game whose outcome was heavily impacted by all five of these players. Coincidence? I think not. In an oh-so familiar story, instead of reading the writing on the wall and seeing that these players, through their own admittance no less, broke the rules out of necessity for their families, and that an out to the NFL would have probably solved their problems, the NCAA turned it all around? And just how did they handle this situation? By being as greedy as always. Why else? So the players could return, and in turn, bring more revenue back to 'ol Ohio State, and college football as a whole. Would the Buckeyes make a bowl game without them? Maybe, but a bowl is a guarantee with them. Even if they do only play half the season. Looking out in their best interests are we? If by their, you mean the university, and not the students. Let these damn kids go pro and allow them to provide for their families through their God given talents. Tressel said he was making them deal with their punishment so they couldn't go pro and curb their sanctions. Oh, you mean like the billions of athletes before them! Seems to me like the "man" got what they wanted and the students got screwed. So in the end who was right? I'm not sure, but I have one simple solution that would fix it all.
Til next time.
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And with that opening, I must say it's good to be back. I haven't had the ability to unload my rants on the sports world lately due to my inability to not multi-task constantly. Planning my wedding, 2 new scripts being written, and The Wire DVD's have complicated my time management issues. But fret not, SportsAreDunn has been retooled and will now be broadcasted weekly. Which day? Who knows. How many times? (Shoulder shrug) I'm not paid for this.
And away we go!
Before I get into particulars I want to first start off with my winners and losers of this past NFL regular season.
Winners: The Pats (sans Moss), The Pats (with Woodhead), Falcons (sans Vick scandal), Vick (sans Vick scandal), and Haynesworth (well in '11, sans DeadSkins)
Losers: Cowboys(as if this isn't a given), Bengals(Nice one T-Ocho), Coaches(When you can have a slight hiccup(Childress) and get fired, or have years of hiccups (Lewis) and get extended, who knows what you need to do for job security), Titans (for thinking Vince Young's crazy ass was EVER the answer), and lastly, Fans(for another ho hum regular season with an inevitable Patriots SB win on the horizon.)
Two things I have to say before I get into another rant. First, can someone please notice how Kevin Love is morphing into the new Barkley. He's Rodman with the ability to score! He's a more athletic McHale! He's quite frankly, a beast! Secondly, D Rose puts the Damn in "Damn, he's sweet as hell"! The correct way to say that is with a stank look on your face as it comes out. Like he's so nasty, there is actual feces coming out of your screen.
On that note, someone please tell the rest of the NBA that the Heat are winning the Championship. Who's gonna stop em? The Celtics? They can't stay healthy. The Magic? Yeah right. I don't care how much Dream worked with ol' Shoulders D Howard. He ain't (H)Akeem.
Oh, I know who. The Lakers, right? Sorry to burst your crapped filled bubble, but the writing is on the wall with these guys. They lack depth, and Kobe is slowly teetering in that inevitable "I can still carry my team, but not really cause I ain't as young as I use to be" zone that Jeter fell into last year with the Yankees. How can they truly win if it takes Captain Ego 25 shots to get 25 points? And if you read any of my NBA posts last year, you'd know not to bring that weak Gasol or Bynum shit to me. It'll get sent away like a homeless guy, with new found fame, and said fame inevitibly causes him to resort back to the very vices that culminated in his original homeless state. Well, I guess I wouldn't send you to rehab, but I'd give your statement a stern talking to.
In a quick MLB blip, I ask, how in the hell does Bagwell not make it into the Hall?! To use a quote from a great baseball man I know named Michael Soteropoulos aka Marbles, Bagwell "may be the best all around first baseman from 1990-2005." He hit for average and power, had solid glove work, played his whole career for the same squad (which is an underrated stat BTW), and he could run! His being left off the ballot makes me question if any first basemen from my childhood will get in. Big Mac, Raffy, Bagwell, Crime Dog, Mark Grace, Olerud, and Big Cat are all no-go's apparently. So that leaves who? Big Hurt. Is he the only one who stands a chance from the "Steroids Era"? Terrible. I mean I'd even consider Hurt a DH more than a 1B. Welp, it was fun to watch, I'll tell you that.
I want to end this comeback edition by bringing to light a new low for collegiate sports. So let me get this straight, Pryor and the other four Buckeyes, per Coach Tressel, had to commit to returning to school next year and serve out their suspensions in full , if they wanted to play in the Sugar Bowl. A bowl game whose outcome was heavily impacted by all five of these players. Coincidence? I think not. In an oh-so familiar story, instead of reading the writing on the wall and seeing that these players, through their own admittance no less, broke the rules out of necessity for their families, and that an out to the NFL would have probably solved their problems, the NCAA turned it all around? And just how did they handle this situation? By being as greedy as always. Why else? So the players could return, and in turn, bring more revenue back to 'ol Ohio State, and college football as a whole. Would the Buckeyes make a bowl game without them? Maybe, but a bowl is a guarantee with them. Even if they do only play half the season. Looking out in their best interests are we? If by their, you mean the university, and not the students. Let these damn kids go pro and allow them to provide for their families through their God given talents. Tressel said he was making them deal with their punishment so they couldn't go pro and curb their sanctions. Oh, you mean like the billions of athletes before them! Seems to me like the "man" got what they wanted and the students got screwed. So in the end who was right? I'm not sure, but I have one simple solution that would fix it all.
Til next time.
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